Once In A Thousand Years
by Howard and PortaPotty
Summary: Poor Gimli falling misurably in love, the object of his affection less than thrilled, Legolas on Gimli's good 'qualities' and a surprise appearance by the reject elf Vebor! ::Hiatus::
1. My Best Friend

December 30th, 2002

Disclaimer: We don't actually own much of this story, just the original characters, and even they are up for grabs.

Authors' Blab: This is the lovely first chapter of our first fanfiction, Once In A Thousand Years! It's mainly a Gimli story, but with a whole lot of that bad-ass elf Legolas! and the peasants rejoice Just to make it clear, this story WILL GET FUNNY! We promise! Once Vebor gets involved and you get to know Calen a bit more, hilarity will ensue. We'll hopefully be updating this often and there will be quite a few chapters. But here it is! Enjoy! – Howard & Porta, AKA: Emilee & Anna

--

Footsteps light and swift across the forest floor, the Prince of Mirkwood returned. At first sight he appeared to be traveling alone, but as he paused, the dimming sun flickering in his blue eyes, another approached behind him. The elf smiled to his dwarf companion as he arrived, huffing and gasping for breath next to him.

"We are almost home, Gimli my friend," the Prince told the dwarf, placing a reassuring hand on his companion's shoulder.

Gimli's eyes narrowed slightly as he looked up at his friend, "Home to you Legolas, not to me. If I had a gem for every root I've tripped over..." he grunted.

Legolas grinned as the duo came over the hill, before them was more dark forest, but now lights had come on like fireflies in the wood, and they could hear music and laughter not far from them.

Looking down they could also see the wall of the cave that the Elvenking of Mirkwood, Legolas's father, dwelled in, and it was at this that Legolas smiled broadly, "The kingdom of my father, Thranduil." he looked back at Gimli with bright eyes, "A feast and dance await us!"

And with that the elf bounded down the hill toward his home. While his dwarf companion shook his head and followed shortly after, slowly.

-

The Prince was welcomed home as expected, royally. Thranduil embraced his son and hurried him off to the feast- after he changed into his royal attire of course.

Gimli wasn't welcomed as warmly as his friend. The elves forced smiles and showed him to a place at the table, between the King's Royal advisor and an odd elf who spilt his ale twice and giggled loudly both times. Gimli did not ask his name.

It was at the dance that Gimli finally met back up with Legolas, who had been seated quite far away at dinner. The dwarf looked around with a gaze mild amusement on his face. He was holding a glass of ale and standing in the middle of a group of elves who were chatting about this and that- Gimli didn't feel like paying attention. He raised his eyebrows as he saw Legolas walk up, then laughed and walked over to his friend.

"What are you wearing?"

Legolas had on a pale blue tunic that shimmered in the lamp light. In it his blue eyes looked bluer and he laughed and placed his hands on his chest. "This, my good friend, is the royal tunic that the prince must wear to special occasions." He looked Gimli over with mock snootiness, "Might I ask what you are wearing?"

Shooting a glare at the elf, Gimli opened his mouth to reply, but something caught his eye and he found that he could not close it. It was a woman. A beautiful she-elf with dancing blue eyes and short blonde hair. She was wearing a light blue dress that made her look as if she was floating. Gimli gaped at her, completely unaware that Legolas was awaiting his reply.

Legolas frowned at his friend, then turned to see what it was that was interesting him so. When he saw the elf woman he grinned, "Calen!"

His friend's laughing snapped Gimli out of his daze and he quickly closed his mouth, realizing that he had begun to drool he wiped his mouth, trying his best to become presentable as Legolas waved at the girl.

"Over here! There is someone I would like you to meet!"

The elf-woman glided toward them, smiling happily at Legolas as she quickly skipped through the crowds. "Legolas! By the Valar, it's been forever!" She said cheerfully, hugging Legolas tightly.

Her voice was like flowers blooming in the spring, Gimli noted as he stood up as tall as he could.

Legolas hugged her back, then squeezed her hand. "It is wonderful to see you!" he looked at Gimli and motioned to him grandly with his hand, "Please, meet Gimli, my friend."

Nodding to her, Gimli took her hand in his and kissed it lightly, "It is an honor milady."

Calen's eyes grew wide as she watched the dwarf take her hand. She quickly glanced at Legolas to be sure he was serious, introducing her to a dwarf. She did all of this quickly while Gimli's head was down, kissing her hand. When he looked up she forced a smile and snatched her hand back from him. "Pleased to meet you, Master Dwarf. Mirkwood is honored to have you stay."

Gimli smiled widely and nodded again to the lady.

"This is Calen, Gimli. She's my sister's, father's, brother's, daughter." Legolas explained, his voice full of pride as he looked upon Calen.

Narrowing his eyes, Gimli thought on this, "Cousin?" he offered, looking confused as to why Legolas didn't say that right off.

Calen laughed and that strayed Gimli's mind briefly, as he glanced at her and couldn't look away.

Legolas frowned, "Well...in a way...my sister has a different father than I."

Forcing another smile, Calen looked around absently, secretly searching for a way out of this conversation. It was very uncomfortable to be introduced to a dwarf, not to mention one who couldn't seem to stop staring at her.

Gimli's deep throated laugh sounded, and he shook his head, "I will never understand the ways of the elves."

Smiling, Legolas looked up from Gimli and saw his father waving to him, obviously eager to introduce his son to a newcomer. "I apologize Gimli, but I must go speak with my father." he said, nodding to Calen and setting a hand on Gimli's shoulder before he made his way to Thranduil

Calen's face fell for a moment when Legolas left, but she quickly recovered and looked at the smiling dwarf in front of her.

"Have you ever heard of the Mines of Moria?" Gimli asked her proudly.

Thinking how terribly rude she was being, but how desperately she wanted out, Calen looked at Gimli for a moment, then looked off suddenly, as if someone had called her name. "What's that Minyafuiwen?" she called out over the crowd, then turned back to Gimli, "Pardon me Master Dwarf." She said, then hurried off.

Gimli sighed contentedly, watching her leave, obviously not catching on that she was trying to get away from him. He hardly noticed when Calen past Legolas and Legolas walked up to him.

"So how do you like the elvish parties so far?" Legolas asked.

With a grunt, Gimli snapped out of his trance and looked up at Legolas, "Better than expected."

Legolas was happy to hear this and smiled at his friend, "Good, good. Then have another ale and then we'll dance!" he said cheerfully.

Gimli blinked as Legolas plucked his glass of ale from his hand and refilled it with a jug a servant carried by. "Dance?" Gimli snorted, "No, no, that's one thing you'll never see me do. Dancing..." He gave another amused huff and shook his head.

Shaking his head, Legolas looked a bit disappointed, "Fine then."

A small smile crossed Gimli's face as he thought of the likelihood of him dancing, and he absent-mindedly looked around the room for another glimpse of the elfish beauty.

"She's talking with my father, Gimli."

"Oh." Gimli grunted in response, then realized what Legolas had said and glanced at his friend quickly. "I mean- what? What are you talking about? Who?"

The elf prince just laughed and ran out into the crowd and started dancing with the others. Gimli glared after Legolas then smiled and chuckled softly, watching the elves dance. Soon Calen joined in with Legolas and they danced together, and suddenly Gimli wished he hadn't rejected dancing.


	2. The Triumphant Appearance of Bunny Llama...

January 1st, 2003

Authors' Blab:Here's the second chapter (obviously). It is very special because we wrote it on New Years Eve/Day. Wow. What a triumph. Enjoy! –Howard & Porta, AKA: Emilee & Anna

--

The bright light of the moon lit the Royal Garden of Mirkwood just enough to allow onlookers a glimpse of two shadows sneaking through the silver gates. The shadows were of an elf man and woman, both tall and with all the beauty of their people. The female elf was wearing a flowing light blue dress, and while her grace was stunning, the male elf looked a little on the clumsy side.

Coming to a bed of lilies, the male elf dropped to his knees to peer into the flowers. The female brushed a strand of her short blonde hair from her face and put her hands on her hips, watching her companion absently.

"I caught a snicky-snake Calen!"

Calen blinked. "Is that what you wanted to show me?"

The other elf looked up at her and grinned, nodding eagerly. "Yup!!"

Looking somewhat irritated but clearly pitying the poor reject elf, Calen patted him gingerly on the shoulder. "That's just…great…Vebor."

"Thankie wankie cousin spankie!" Vebor answered and suddenly whipped around and thrust out his hands, holding in them what seemed to be his 'snicky-snake'. "AYAHYAH!"

Calen yelped and turned away, "What is it!?"

"It's…hey! This isn't my snicky-snake! It's a llama…."

Dropping her hands from her eyes Calen blinked and turned around, "A llama?"

Vebor was holding a small white bunny.

"I think…" Calen held in a laugh, "I think that's a bunny, honey."

"Don't yell!" Vebor hissed, "Shhhh…"

By this time Calen had about enough and grabbed Vebor's hand. "Come on, we're going back inside."

She started walking, but Vebor didn't and she eventually gave up and stopped pulling on him. "Vebor, come on!"

Vebor sat up suddenly and looked around on the opposite side of Calen. "Who said my name?!"

Calen threw her hands in the air and sighed impatiently.

And when it seemed like all hope was lost…

"Calen!!! He's here!"

Eyes lighting up Calen turned to the familiar voice behind her and looked up at her balcony that overlooked the garden. She grinned excitedly at the elf-maid who was calling her name, her friend Minyafuiwen.

Eager for a chance to get away from Vebor, Calen raced through the garden and out the gates, passing Gimli (and purposely ignoring him) on her way.

Calen's rooms had debatably the best view in the kingdom. They were built in an enormous tree and the back balcony overlooked the Royal Gardens. Calen had to run around the border of the garden to get to the door of her chambers, which was at the base of the tree, leading to a spiraling staircase that wound up to the top of the tree.

-

Gimli had found a quite suitable fountain and hadn't even heard Legolas come up behind him. "Did you enjoy the party?"

"BAHAH!" Gimli yelled, nearly falling into the water, he teetered on the edge and growled, "Don't sneak up on me elf!"

Gimli eyed Legolas, eventually smiled and replied, "Boring."

"Really?" Legolas said, surprised, "Well then, Master Dwarf, you should have taken my advice and danced a little."

"Dwarves don't dance." He replied gruffly, stepping off the fountain wall.

Legolas smiled mischievously and watched as Gimli started walking off, "Oh I see, so you didn't want to make a complete fool of yourself in front of my cousin then?"

Glaring, the dwarf turned around, "I don't know what you are talking about." He snapped, thankful for his beard, which hid his blushing cheeks.

"Oh you don't, do you? I saw how you looked at her when she walked in." Legolas mused, putting his hands behind his back and grinning at his friend.

Gimli looked murderous, "Hold your tongue, elf, or I might have to get my axe." He snarled.

The dwarf soon found an arrow in his face and he growled, "This isn't fair! My axe is in my room!"

"Am I too fast for you, dwarf?" Legolas asked innocently, lowering his bow and grinning.

Gimli grumbled something inaudible but then for the second time that night his attention focused behind Legolas and he froze. Thinking the worst, Legolas turned around and raised his bow quickly.

Noticing that once again it was Calen who Gimli was staring at, Legolas slowly lowered the bow and spoke to Gimli sarcastically over his shoulder, "So you don't fancy her?"

But Gimli's attention was captured by Calen's smile (he looked kinda like he did after Galadriel gave him her hair or whatever), and he didn't seem to hear Legolas. Calen was standing on the balcony of her rooms chatting with an older looking female elf, until her friend left her side and a very handsome male elf walked quickly out to the balcony. Gimli narrowed his eyes right when he saw the elf, but it was when Calen ran to him and he picked her up and kissed her that he started growling quietly.

"Gimli? Are you all right my friend?"

"Who is that?" the dwarf snarled.

"Dimthuleion." Legolas said in a monotone voice.

"Who is he?" the dwarf snarled.

Legolas glanced at Gimli, frowning. Then Dimthuleion saw them and waved happily, beckoning them to join he and Calen on the balcony. Gimli saw him and nudged Legolas, who smiled with fake enthusiasm back to the waving elf and started walking towards the stairs.

"Who is he?" the dwarf snarled again.

Glancing at Gimli as they climbed the stairs, Legolas looked less than thrilled, "He's an elf with a very rich father…who is engaged to Calen."

And then Gimli's boot caught one of the stairs and he rolled halfway down the spiral staircase.

"I'm alright, I'm alright. That was deliberate." Gimli gnarled, swatting Legolas away as he tried to help him up.

They continued up the stairs without a word (though not without a snicker from Legolas) and walked out to the balcony with not too cheerful expressions. Gimli managed to keep his snarling to a minimum as he saw Dimthuleion and Calen snuggling happily.

Legolas cleared his throat and Calen pushed Dim away. "Legolas! Isn't it wonderful, Dimthuleion has returned without a scratch." She smiled warmly at Dim.

Starting to reply, Legolas was interrupted by Dim shoving his hand at him and smiling with sickening sweetness. "Ah, Prince Legolas! It's been an age, how've you been?"

Gimli smiled weakly at Calen, but she conveniently looked away.

Being polite, Legolas shook the overly eager elf's hand, "How was your journey home?"

"Dangerous. Nearly died." Dim replied, having an oddly wide smile for such an answer, "Enough about me, please, introduce me to your…short…friend."

"He's a dwarf, darling." Calen whispered, nudging Dimthuleion.

"Same thing." Dim whispered to her loudly, "He's still short."

"Short you say?" Gimli rumbled, then said some horrifically threatening thing, but unfortunately nobody else understood it because it was in dwarvish.

None the less, they could all tell that it hadn't been terribly nice or appropriate.

Legolas nudged his friend and gave him a repressive look, "This is Gimli, son of Gloin."

Dimthuleion's famous grin had faded, "How charming." He replied dully, looking smugly at Gimli. He then turned his grin back on and flashed his teeth at Legolas, "So I take you've heard the good news?" he put an arm around Calen, "Calengrothiel and I are to be wed."

Gimli blinked at the mention of Calen's full name.

But nobody was really paying attention to Gimli at the moment.

"Yes I've heard." Legolas answered with a nod.

Calen looked down an sighed but hid her discomfort and smiled beautifully at Legolas and Gimli, "It's set in two weeks. You will attend, won't you cousin?"

Legolas smiled brightly at her, "Yes of course." He looked at Dim and smiled wider, "I wouldn't miss it." He answered, his words particularly sugar-coated.

Snorting, Gimli randomly turned around and walked out the door to the stairs.


	3. Archery Lessons

Authors' Blab: Third chapter! Yay! Be sure to check out our other two stories up, Emilee & Anna Invade Middle-Earth, and The Guide to Dating In The Shire. Read and review and tell all yo' friends!! –Howard & Porta, AKA: Emilee & Anna

--

The weather in Mirkwood had been quite nice for the first week that Gimli and Legolas stayed there. This is important only because the weather was just about the only thing that had been nice for the first week they were there.

As Gimli soon learned and Legolas had already known, Dimthuleion was indeed a snobbish worm, and they'd both had the displeasure of running into him several times in the course of the week.

For instance….

Legolas hadn't seen the worm come up behind him as he was taking a stroll in the garden during the morning of some day in the middle of the week.

"Well look who it is." Dimthuleion's snobbish voice called from behind the prince.

Turning around, Legolas raised a brow and forced a smile to the elf, "Good morning, Dimthuleion." He said politely.

"Oh drop the act, you majesty."

Legolas tensed as Dimthuleion crossed the little space between them and smirked only a few paces in front of him. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me." Dim snarled, "Don't pretend to tolerate me, ever since I saved your father from the assassination attempt you haven't been able to speak to me without wishing you were just like me."

Raising an amused brow, Legolas smirked at Dimthuleion and started to walk away, "I'll see you at dinner."

"You don't deny it?"

Legolas sighed deeply and turned around, taking everything he had to remain calm. "Arguing with you is beneath me Dimthuleion."

Dimthuleion's eyes blazed, "It matters not. I know the truth." He hissed, then swept away, his flowing robes of silk whooshing out behind him.

"If you were to ask my opinion…" A gruff voice started from behind Legolas.

The elf sighed and turned around, "I did not ask for you opinion, Gimli."

"…I would say that he needs to meet my ax, then come back and say that to you." Gimli finished, walking up to Legolas from the gate entrance. "He needs to be taught a lesson, my friend."

"That is not how we handle things here, Gimli."

"Oh you let a worm like him dishonor you right to you face, is that how you handle it?" Gimli shouted.

"No." Legolas replied firmly, "We do not get into foolish arguments with halfwits."

Gimli seemed to be thinking on this, but he was really just trying to breathe. Finally he looked at Legolas, "Fine." He growled, "Then I will be the teacher of lessons for him."

And he turned tail and stomped off, leaving Legolas to sigh and hope his dwarf friend didn't kill himself.

--

But of course, with Gimli's luck, he couldn't find Dimthuleion anywhere…

--

So, a few days went by, and Gimli finally had the chance to meet the epitome of Mirkwood's Royal Family.

Vebor.

"BROTHER!"

Legolas and Gimli had been walking in the garden, arguing about this and that, when the voice of the dubbed 'disgrace of the elves' rang out behind them.

Gimli jumped and turned around with a snort, glaring at the on comer. He recognized Vebor as the laughing elf he had sat beside in the feast days before.

Always the gentleman, Legolas smiled upon Vebor's approach, "Vebor! Gimli, have you met Vebor?"

Vebor rocked back on his heels, "Sat next to him at the feast. Very messy eater. He uses his beard as a napkin." He giggled.

Raising his brows, Gimli looked at Legolas and frowned when he saw his friend laughing. "This is Vebor, Gimli. He's my adopted brother."

Gimli smiled awkwardly and shook Vebor's hand, which the elf promptly sneezed on. Which was odd really, Gimli didn't think elves sneezed very often, or at all for that matter…

"Good to meet you, Vebor." Gimli said, trying to get his mind off of elvish sneezing.

Vebor released Gimli's hand, "I came from daisies!"

Gimli was relieved to see that not even Legolas understood this comment, and they both stared helplessly at Vebor until Calen came running up through the archway and into the garden.

Her blonde hair was wild and her face was flushed from running and she sighed when she saw her cousins. Picking up her skirt, she ran over to them, "There you are!" she smiled at Vebor, and glanced at Legolas and Gimli.

Gimli made a point to stand up a little straighter.

"Come on Veebes, we've got a date, remember?" Calen laughed, linking arms with Vebor.

Vebor looked at Calen with wide, excited eyes and pointed at Legolas with his free hand, "Look Calen! I found Legolas!"

"Spot on Vebor! We've been looking everywhere for him…" Calen replied, smiling at Legolas.

Legolas winked at her and smiled back, "Go on Vebor. Go with Calen."

Vebor gave his brother and Gimli a grin and let Calen walk him off towards the forest, "We're going to find llamas!!" Vebor cried over his shoulder as they left.

-

"Ouch! Legolas watch where you're pointing that thing!"

"Calen, I know what I'm doing, if you'd let go of it for moment.."

"If you were to ask my opinion-"

"We didn't."

"Careful!! It's sharp!"

"Hm…it's a lot longer than it looks from far away."

"Yes well, it's a very dangerous weapon if you know how to use it. The size really doesn't make a difference, you just have to know how to properly shoot."

"Don't you just aim and pull really hard?"

"There's more to it than that Calen."

Calen rolled her eyes and snatched the bow from her cousin, giving him an easy smile, "It can't be that difficult." She said matter-of-factly, then pulled an arrow from the quiver that was slung over her shoulder.

It was mid-day on the eighth day since Legolas returned home and he'd finally agreed to give Calen the archery lesson she'd been pestering him about since she could walk.

Calen had complained the entire time thus far.

First of all, Legolas had them (Gimli tagged along, uninvited) walk deep into the woods just incase Calen decided she'd try to aim for King Thranduil's royal advisor or some other unsuspecting elf, and she'd complained about that.

She'd complained that she hadn't gotten to use the bow Legolas had been given by Galadriel. She'd complained that Legolas was being too bossy and wasn't letting her try it.

She'd been a pain in the ass, pretty much.

But for some strange reason, Gimli found himself all the more attracted to her.

Anyway, after giving her all the instruction she would allow, Legolas took a few steps back, and gave up teaching for the day. He wasn't going to help her anymore, unless she asked. Even if she was holding the bow upside down.

Wasn't going to help.

Not at all.

Silence.

Not a word.

No helping.

He couldn't stand it.

"Calen you've got the bow upside down!" Legolas yelled, just as Calen's arrow shot off, with surprising momentum, into the woods.

The three of them watched the arrow speed off into the woods, Gimli very proud of himself for watching at a safe distance, Calen very proud of herself for making the arrow 'go', and Legolas with his hands over his eyes hoping that the arrow didn't hit anything.

With a satisfied grin, Calen turned to her cousin with her nose in the air, "I think I've proven my point."

Gimli couldn't help it, "What was your point?" he asked.

"What was my point!?" Calen repeated with a huff, turning to glare at the dwarf.

Gimli and Legolas blinked at her, waiting her response.

Calen looked from one of them to the other, then whipped out another arrow, "I'll do it again."

She looked indignantly at Legolas and turned the bow over before loading the arrow.

"Lets hope she doesn't kill anyone.." Legolas muttered to Gimli as they stepped back, watching her.

And just as she was letting go of the arrow.

"Darling!" Dimthuleion exclaimed, appearing seemingly out of nowhere and smiling at Calen.

"DAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"

--

King Thranduil narrowed his eyes at his niece. "And where did you say the arrow hit him?"

Calen lowered her eyes, her pointed ears burning with embarrassment. She was standing in front of her uncle's throne with Legolas and Gimli to her side. It was assured the Dimthuleion was going to live, but he was very upset for the injury and kept grumbling something about an attempted assassination on his life.

"Well…sort of on…the upper thigh, your grace…"

Gimli hid his laughter with a clearing of his throat and made his smile vanish, "Pardon me, your majesty, but I'm afraid the arrow pierced his ass."

The King blinked, but dismissed Gimli's crude use of words as 'a dwarf thing'. "Oh did it?" he mused, smiling slightly.

Legolas frowned, not believing his father was smiling over this matter, but couldn't help but smile himself, "Father.." he warned.

Thranduil's grin vanished but laughter remained in his eyes as he nodded to Calen. "The wedding must be postponed then, dear."

"That's what I've come to ask you about. Dimthuleion wishes it pushed back a month at least, until he is fully healed." Calen requested, after giving them all repressive glares, hiding her own laughter quite well.

"A month?" The King repeated, surprised. "A month it takes to heal a wound…of this magnitude?"

Gimli and Legolas snickered.

Calen glared at them, then turned back to the King with stern eyes, "Yes, your highness. A month."

Thranduil smiled to his niece, "Very well.."

--

"TAKE IT OUT!! TAKE IT OUT!!! CALEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNN!!!!!"

"Hold still Vebor, it's only a splinter." Calen laughed, holding down Vebor as he squirmed. Her balcony was suddenly where every passing elf was looking as Vebor struggled against Calen as she tried to take the splinter out of his finger.

"Noooo…." Vebor cried, his lip poking out childlike.

Calen pulled out the splinter and smiled at him, "There. Fixed. See that wasn't so bad."

Vebor was still whimpering when Legolas walked onto the balcony, his eyebrow raised, curious of the commotion.

"You wouldn't be climbing anymore trees for quite some time, will you?" Calen said with a slight laugh, waving as she spotted Legolas at the door.

"What's going on up here?" Legolas asked, walking over to Calen and Vebor's chairs.

Vebor stood up and shoved his finger in Legolas' face. "I have a little prick!"

Legolas blinked, "You do?"

"Well, it's gone now. Calen fixed it." Vebor answered, dropping his hand to his side. He spotted King Thranduil walking on the path below them and ran over to the balcony edge to talk to him.

Calen smiled at Legolas as he sat down next to her.

"How's Dim?"

She frowned at him for using Dimthuleion's nickname, but shrugged it off. "Traumatized. I don't know how he'll go on."

Legolas laughed, "Has he cancelled the wedding for good now?"

Sighing, Calen leaned back in her chair, "Not yet…"

Then they both jumped up when they saw Vebor put one leg over the balcony railing.


	4. That One Random Mountain

Authors' Blab:Hello all! We are both sitting here about to write Chapter Four!! We are also listening to the Fellowship of the Ring soundtrack. It's v. good. We highly recommend it. You know what we also highly recommend? Our own Self-Insert story called Emilee & Anna Invade Middle-Earth. Please read and review that if you like our silly craziness. Go us! Cheers! –Howard & Porta, AKA: Emilee & Anna

--

"You wanted to see me father?"

Thranduil looked up at his son with a look of pure confusion. He frowned, trying to remember what it was he called Legolas in for. "Uhm…"

Then he saw that the dwarf stood beside Legolas and remembered. "Oh yes, I remember. You remember Dol Guldur?"

Legolas frowned, "The cave in the south end of the forest? Yes I know it, why?"

Drawing himself up all kingly and important as his advisor entered with a mass of papers in hand, Thranduil answered his son as he plucked his quill out of the ink well. "Esgalmar has informed me that Dol Guldur has had little or no maintenance over these years of late, and I was thinking that you boys would like the adventure."

Gimli gave Legolas a look and the elf couldn't help but laugh.

"Of course Father, Gimli and I will set out by morning." Legolas replied with a bow.

"Yes, yes, good good." Thranduil said absently, signing papers for Esgalmar. "Now leave."

--

So Legolas and Gimli went to their chambers to pack. They had rooms next to each other and Gimli was sitting on a bench by the window hammering out the dent in his helmet.

CLANK CLANK CLANK!

"Gimli.."

CLANK CLANK CLANK!

"Gimli could you please-"

CLANK CLANK CLANK!

"GIMLI!"

CLANK CLANK CLANK!

Legolas sighed and fell onto his bed, with his hands over his ears. Damn his elvish hearing.

CLANK CLANK CLANK!

The door to Legolas' room burst open and Calen stormed in, standing over the bed and glaring at Legolas, "Shut the dwarf up!"

Legolas shrugged, "I've tried to."

CLANK CLANK-

Gimli looked up and dropped his helmet when he saw Calen. He then attempted to catch it as it rolled off across the room, ending up looking like a total fool as he chased after it.

Once Gimli regained his composure (and his helmet) he bowed his head quickly to Calen, who was absolutely furious.

"The King tells me you are leaving by morning. How long will you be gone? When are you coming back? Where are you going?! You have only just arrived. I don't understand." Calen exclaimed hurriedly.

Gimli tucked his helmet under his arm and sat back down on the bench. "We must comply with the King's orders lass."

Calen gave Gimli a blank stare and rolled her eyes, turning back to her cousin, "How can you just leave? You've hardly spoken to me the entire time you've been here."

"What about the archery lesson!" Legolas exclaimed, with a smirk.

Narrowing her eyes at him Calen folded her arms across her chest, she smiled evilly, "I'm coming with you."

And with that she turned around and headed for the door, turning back around just as she reached the doorframe, "Oh and by the way, your father wants to see you."

Then she swept out of the door.

Legolas gave Gimli a look and the elf sighed.

Gimli, however, was smiling as he shook his head, "She's a fiery lass."

Legolas looked up and started for the door.

--

"CALENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!"

Calen sighed and turned around. She'd been on her way to tell Dimthuleion she was going with Gimli and Legolas when Vebor hastily caught up with her and tumbled on the floor around her.

She flinched as Vebor jumped to his feet and smiled widely at her. "Take Llama!"

Calen blinked, "What did you say?"

"Take Llama!"

"….?"

Vebor rolled his eyes, "Gosh Cousin Calen, you're so silly." He reached into his vest pocket and then thrust a fuzzy white ball of fur at her. "Take Llama!"

"Ooohhh…" Calen forced a smile and nodded, "Llama."

She sighed as Vebor continued to hold out the bunny expectantly to her. "Vebor I can't take care of the rabbi-"

"It's not a rabbit! It's a Llama!"

"…Vebor I can't take care of the Llama. You take much better…" Calen thought about what she was saying and how her cousin had just pulled the bunny out of his pocket and stopped there. "…I'm sure Llama would miss you too much."

Vebor (somehow) gave Calen a look that actually made her feel stupid, "Of course he'll miss me. But if you leave he'll miss you. But don't worry, he's housebroken."

Calen laughed. "I'm sure you've taught him well Vebor."

Nodding spastically, Calen was surprised Vebor didn't hurt himself. "Hold out your paw."

"My what?"

Vebor held out his hand in demonstration and Calen warily did the same. Her hand soon had 'Llama' dumped into it and it took Calen every bit of concentration she had not to just drop the rabbit right there on the ground.

But then she looked at the cute little ball of fur and smiled a bit. "Aww…it's adorab-" she looked up.

Vebor had vanished.

"Oh great."

--

Dimthuleion was looking quite peaceful when Calen walked into his room. Peaceful like a baby. A baby that was sucking his thumb and curled into a ball with his arse bandaged.

She hadn't really decided what to do with Llama yet, so she was still holding the rabbit as far away from her as possible. But when she looked down at Dimthuleion's quiet sleeping form an idea came over her.

Calen knew that she shouldn't, but she set Llama on the blankets next to Dimthuleion, just to see what happened.

And just to her luck, Llama immediately went for Dimthuleion's pants. Calen's hand went to her mouth in fear of laughing out loud. Vebor really had taught Llama well.

Now the bunny was snuggling up against Dim, and Calen took a few steps back from the bed, teetering as she held in her giggles.

"…mmmm…not now Calen…my arse hurts…"


	5. Never Mention Past Crushes To A Dwarf

Authors' Note: Sorry we've been so bad about updating. Blame Howard, blame her completely. She's been overly obsessed with her new LotR fic (that might or might not be posted and not anytime soon (maybe tomorrow, e-mail Howard for more info wink)) and Grima Wormtongue? Hm…weird. Anyway, we both feel terrible about not giving all our adoring fans what they want…it's a crime, truly it is. Well here's chapter five! Wow. Five whole chapters…go us! Oh and by the way, if at all possible…would you guys visit our super cool website? The link is on our profile, but here it is incase you're lazy or have no idea what we're talking about:

2006 Edit: Cite no longer exists, sadly.

Isn't that special? Mmhmm. Anyway! Love you guys and don't forget to REVIEW DAMMITT! Just kidding…Oooh peer pressure! –Howard & Porta, AKA: Emilee & Anna

--

When Legolas knocked on the door of his father's study, he found the King bent over his desk reading a book with an intent look on his face.

"What are you reading father?" Legolas inquired with a smile as he leaned on the doorway.

Thranduil looked up, "There and Back Again."

"Oh? Bilbo's?"

The King nodded, but then shook his head and shut the book, sitting back in his chair and motioning his son over, "I need to speak with you."

Raising his eyebrows, Legolas walked in and took a seat across from his father.

Thranduil sat forward again and studied Legolas, "Son, I think it's about that time…"

When all he got was a blank stare, Thranduil tried a different approach.

"Son, I think it's about that time in your life…to find that special lady.."

Legolas groaned and stood up.

"Or at least start looking!" Thranduil called as Legolas headed for the door.

"Father I'm not just going to walk around looking for a wife!" Legolas whined, turning around, "It doesn't work that way."

"Of course it does!"

Legolas frowned, "Did you wander around aimlessly searching for a wife when you met mother?"

"I never said to wander around aimlessly-"

"You might as well have!"

"SON! Stop putting words in my mouth!" Thranduil yelled. The silenced Legolas and as his son dropped his hands to his sides Thranduil's tone softened, "Just keep that in mind."

Legolas still looked irritated as he bowed shortly to his father and left.

The prince was still steaming when he stormed back to his chambers. He turned the corner entirely too sharply with entirely too much speed when he slammed into Calen.

"Legolas!" Calen yelped.

Legolas frowned, it looked like Calen was holding Vebor's 'llama'.

Calen pushed on a forced smile, though she looked like she was about to crack up laughing, "Hello…"

"CALEN!!"

Calen's eyes widened as Dim's voice screamed from down the hall. "I should go." She said in a tiny voice through her teeth, then bolted down the hall.

Legolas blinked, then sighed. "Valar help her."

His grin was fixed as he walked by Dim's room, trying not to laugh. Dim was limping out of his room with his hand on his back. When Dim saw Legolas coming he made his act even more pathetic.

--

CLANK CLANK CLANK!

"Oh no, not again…" Legolas mumbled as he walked into his room.

This time Gimli had his helmet on and was banging on the frying pan that he and Legolas took on his travels. The reason the dwarf was clanking was beyond Legolas…

CLANK CLANK CLANK!

This is the part where Legolas' elvish gift for patients runs out…

"By the Valar, Gimli! Do you ever stop CLANKING?" He yelled, "Day in day out all I hear is your miserable CLANKING! It's enough to drive me mad, you hear me? Mad!"

The clanking ended immediately as Gimli stared, dumbfounded, at his usually calm companion, not quite sure to yell back or not..

But Legolas solved this problem by doing some more yelling of his own.

"Why the devil are you hitting that pot anyway?" Legolas exploded.

"…fly…" Gimli grumbled, squirming nervously.

"What?!"

"There was a fly…so I…hit it…"

"A fly?" It was Legolas' turn to be dumbfounded, "You attacked our frying pan with that great hammer of yours because there was a fly on it?"

Gimli squirmed again and set his hammer next to the bench on the floor. He glanced up at Legolas worriedly, "…and I just wanted summat to hit…"

Trying to regain as much of his composure as he could, Legolas took a few deep breaths and turned from Gimli, then fell face first onto his bed.

It isn't my fault. I'm not to blame for that explosion. Elves aren't supposed to loose their patients but I'm the only elf in Middle-Earth who has to constantly deal with that loud dwarf! He'd drive the most tranquil of our kind to insanity. It isn't my fault. Calm down Legolas. Calm…

Legolas' thoughts were interrupted by a poke in his shoulder. "What's wrong, Elf?" Gimli's gruff voice had a hint of worry in it.

When Legolas didn't respond, Gimli shuffled and frowned at his friend's back. "Look, I apologize for the clanking, will you please get off the bed!"

Gimli hobbled back over to his bench when Legolas rolled over and sat up. "I'm sorry Gimli."

"Think nothing of it." Was Gimli's grunted answer, though he was still about hurt from the 'day in day out never stop clanking' comment. Gimli had always thought Legolas enjoyed the clanking. It always made for a good conversation replacement when neither could think of anything to say.

Must be a dwarf thing.

See! Gimli thought. Now would be an appropriate time for clanking, but Legolas doesn't like it.

Oh bloody hell, now I have to think of a conversation starter.

I always knew clanking was good for something.

Haha! I bet the smug elf is regretting himself now! Without the clanking we could sit here in silence for hours, nay, days!

Well maybe just hours.

Definitely not days.

All right, maybe not hours either.

Dammitt all!

What to say what to say?

…ahah!

"So what did your father have to say?" Gimli asked awkwardly.

Legolas sighed, a dark expression coming across his blue eyes, "He wants me to take a wife."

Gimli chuckled. "there's one thing dwarves never do. My father would never-"

Legolas cut him off, clearly snappy. "Yes well, that's probably because you can't tell dwarf men and women apart anyway."

"Legolas…" Gimli warned. "I understand your anger, but I wouldn't push my luck if I were you…"

There was silence. Gimli polished his axe.

But Legolas was still bitter. So he put on a friendly smile, "Had any dreams about Galadriel lately?"

Gimli looked up, surprised, "Legolas? Do you realize that I am holding, in my hands, a newly sharpened AXE?"

"What are you talking about dear Gimli? It was merely a q-"

"LEGOLAS STOP TALKING ABOUT IT OR SO HELP ME…" Gimli exploded.

Silence.

Legolas tried not to laugh.

"So help you what?" Legolas inquired smugly.

"LEGOLAS!"


	6. The Vanataur

Authors' Note: Well, here it is. Finally! Chapter SIX! Woohoo! This was a fun chapter to write. We had quite a few spur of the moment things, like Gimli's helmet and Calen's underwear problems, but other than that it went almost as planned! We hope you love the Dwarvish 'chanting' just as much as we do, and if you really show some support of it we might just feel like bringing it back in another chapter. ( Well, we hope you enjoy this, and hopefully we'll whip another out quite soon. Oh yah, and do you guys have as dirty of minds as Anna and I do? Because we found this whole chapter so full of dirty inside things. Oh the double meanings.hehe. ON WITH THE SHOW! -Howard & Porta, AKA: Emilee & Anna

--

Legolas had thought he could handle it. When he agreed to letting his cousin tag along with them, he really hadn't expected her to be as bad as she was. Usually Calen could muster some amount of composure when it came to her constant complaining, but after getting up before sunrise, eating a small meal of Gimli's dwarvish meatballs (-restrained laughter here from the authors-), and having to carry along Vebor's llama, the elvish damsel wasn't in the best of moods.

And to top it all off, Gimli had decided to sing. Singing. Now Gimli's singing wasn't quite the same as the pure elvish voices of Lothlorien and Mirkwood, no, Gimli's singing was all of three things: loud, annoying, and off key.

"OoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOOOO.etc." Gimli wailed.

Legolas sighed as he watched Gimli walking ahead of him. Calen was walking next to Legolas, and was obviously getting upset as she squeezed the hell out of Llama and clenched her teeth.

"My dear sweet cousin.if you do not shut your dwarf up, I will have to KILL HIM!" Calen hissed through her teeth.

"What am I supposed to do Calen?" Legolas replied calmly, though Gimli's singing was starting to annoy him as well.

"OooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

"LEGOLAS!" Calen yelled.

"Gimli." Legolas warned.

"Eh?" Gimli glanced behind at them with raised eyebrows.

Legolas and Calen simply stared at him. Frowning, Legolas opened his mouth to speak, "Erhm-"

But Gimli cut him off, "If you have a problem with my dwarvish chanting-"

"You mean singing. You were definitely singing." Calen grumbled from Legolas' side.

Legolas gave Calen a repressive look and smiled at Gimli, "I think we'd all appreciate it if nobody sang."

"Fair enough. I can control myself." Gimli replied, making Calen snort and Legolas laugh.

So for a few moments, there was silence. Silence and harmony, no one was fighting and it was all peaceful. Until Gimli started to 'chant' again.

It started softly, barely a hum, but it grew. It grew to the loud, annoying and off key volume that it had previously been.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH-"

"GIMLI!" Calen yelled

Legolas sighed, fixing his gaze on the trees around him, "Oh Eru."

"I apologize. I didn't realize I was chanting again. Please forgive me." Gimli replied, clearing his throat. "It is common for traveling dwarves to chant while traveling, so it's no surprise that I-

"Forgive my interruption Master Dwarf, but who exactly do you think is listening to you?" Calen's voice was dripping with disrespect.

Legolas jabbed his cousin sharply with the end of his bow, "Calen, don't be impolite."

"Impolite? Legolas he's singing!"

"Well he's stopped now."

Gimli grunted, "The two of you are aware that I am still here, correct?"

"Unfortunately.." Calen replied under her breath.

Once again, Legolas sighed, and there was a silence over the woods. This lovely, peaceful, mind cleansing quiet lasted for a few minutes, but then Calen suddenly stopped walking and Legolas tripped over her.

"Calen-" Legolas started. Gimli realized what was going on and turned around.

Calen looked down at her feet, "If I take one more step, it'll be the longest without silk undergarments, I've ever gone."

Groaning, Legolas pushed Calen and they kept walking, "That is absolutely fabulous Calen, keep going."

But Gimli stood there looking aroused, and he laughed in a hearty dwarf way as they passed him, after Legolas punched him on the shoulder for looking at Calen like he was. "Ho ho ho! She's a fiery lass!"

Legolas gave Gimli a look over his shoulder and Calen huffed, dropping Llama in the process of turning towards Gimli , taking a few intimidating steps towards him, "Are you aware, Master Dwarf, that I am still here? You talk of me as if I was deaf, or.not currently present."

"Yes? Fiery? You are fiery. Is that what you are trying to tell me?" Gimli asked, raising his eyebrows and walking past Calen.

Sighing deeply, Legolas started walking alongside Gimli, with Calen trailing close behind.

"No!" Calen yelled, sounding like she was about to explode, "Not fiery! I am right here, Gimli, you are speaking of me as if I was somewhere else."

"Yes, you are here and you are fiery!"

"You feeble-minded, ridiculous, impractical, childish twit! You are speaking to a member of Mirkwood's royal family, and I-"

Dwarves have never been good at lightly skipping through the forest, that's part of the reason Gimli was the one who stomped the hell out of Llama, sending Calen into yet another tantrum and forcing Legolas to decide that he'd had enough and set up camp for the night.

"You hurt him!" Calen yelled, cuddling Llama as if she actually cared about the rabbit.

Gimli was sitting across from her, and Legolas was in between them trying to start a fire. The dwarf was wearing an expression that made him look as if he was being lectured by a disappointed parent. He had his helmet on his knees and he was staring awkwardly at his feet.

Calen was taking the role of the lecturer and gave Gimli a vicious glare, "Well? What do you have to say for yourself? You horrible dwarf."

"Calen." Legolas looked up from his fire at his cousin, "Five minutes ago you were complaining that you even had to bring the rabbit, will you just drop it, please?"

"No I will not just drop it Legolas! Gimli is an animal abuser and I believe he should be punished for doing such a horrendous thing to Vebor's Llama. What would Vebor say if he knew that this dwarf mutilated his precious pet, mhm?"

Legolas stared, "Vebor would forget Gimli ever did anything to Llama if you gave him a biscuit and told him to go pick some flowers."

Huffing, Calen shook her head, "That isn't the point, Legolas."

"Then what is the blasted point?" Gimli exploded.

"You hurt my bunny, that's the point!"

Legolas rolled his eyes and decided to try and stay out of it. For a moment Gimli and Calen were content with glaring at each other from opposite sides of the almost-fire, but then Calen just had to open her big mouth again, ".on top of the fact that you tramp around in those great heavy metal boots of yours.."

"They aren't metal, they're stone!" Gimli yelled, more to have something to yell then anything, obviously.

"They are not stone! There is no possible way you could have stone boots!"

"Uh-huh! Stone!"

"Nu-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nu-uh!"

"You are such a." Gimli growled, then launched into heavy cursing in Dwarvish, gathering his helmet, thrusting it on his head and trooping off into the forest.

There was much huffing and gasping from Calen's seat on the log and eventually Legolas couldn't take it anymore and just started laughing.

"What is ever so funny, dear cousin?!" Calen asked with a snotty disbelief in her voice.

Legolas shook his head, "If you could just keep your mouth shut." he replied, not looking at her as he prodded the fire with a stick.

"Uh! Well.sshhh..I.uhh.tttttffffttt..phhft..I never!"

"Right." He replied.

Calen huffed again, and jerked Llama up and showed him to Legolas, "You do not care at all, do you Legolas? You could care less about poor, defenseless Llama!" and with that she threw the rabbit at Legolas with all her might. "Huuuaaahh!"

Llama hit Legolas in the chest and he fumbled it before he got it in his hands and held it as far away from him as possible, "You just threw it at me Calen!" He yelled, throwing the rabbit back at her.

The bunny landed in Calen's lap and she glared wickedly at her cousin, throwing Llama back at him and standing up, stomping into the forest with her arms crossed and her nose in the air.

One consequence of walking with your nose in the air is not noticing when you are just about to run over a dwarf. Calen tripped over one of Gimli's 'stone' boots and went tumbling to the ground just as Legolas chunked Llama at the back of Calen's head, sending the bunny sailing through the air and hitting Gimli in the face.

"What in tar nation!" Surprise author's note: What the hell is tarnation? The computer made it two words, but it isn't. It's a made up word. Our theory is that it originated from a dwarvish language, that's why Gimli says it here. You see kids? It's all part of our master plan. Gimli yelled, peeling the rabbit off his face and tossing it at Calen.

Calen caught it, and set it on the ground as she got up, glaring at Gimli ferociously. "What do you-"

Trusting a flower in Calen's face, Gimli looked quite proud of himself, "This is for you, my dear."

Legolas's eyes widened and he turned away from Gimli and Calen, whistling innocently as he made his way over to the fire.

Calen's jaw drops and her lips make a perfect 'O', she looks at the flower then at Gimli then closes her eyes and sighs, "This flower.is the Vanataur." she swallowed, "A sacred flower of my people." Calen opened her eyes and looked at him irritated, "It only blooms once ever thousand years and is the rarest flower we have in Middle Earth!"

It was Gimli's turn to gape and stutter before closing his mouth and biting his tongue. He was fully prepared for another lecture from the fair she-elf, but was not at all looking forward to it.

"You are.ugh!" Calen yelled, shaking her head and taking the flower with her, storming off into the woods.

Gimli is speechless, except of course for the Dwarvish cursing he muttered loudly as he sat down angrily near the fire. "Bloody fool!" He grumbled at himself, throwing his helmet across the clearing and dropping his head into his hands.

Legolas joined Gimli on the log and put his hand on his friend's shoulder. "She hates me, doesn't she?" Gimli grumbled, "Bad enough I'm a dwarf, but then I have to go and pick the sacred flower."

"You did not know. It isn't your fault and she doesn't hate you."

It was late before Calen returned, but neither of them had much time to worry about it, because they were engaged in some very important male bonding conversations. After calming Gimli down, Legolas fixed up some rabbit stew (don't fear Llama lovers, it wasn't your favorite reject elf's pet they so merrily consumed) and the boys had a lovely little chat.

"Honestly Legolas, my head has grown." Gimli was saying as Calen crept up behind them from the dark woods.

Legolas gave Gimli a raise of an eyebrow and managed a weak smile, "Has it?"

"My helmet, I'm having trouble getting it off. See watch." Gimli picked his helmet off the log and jammed it on his head, then tugged it back off, showing quite a bit of strain while pulling it off.

"That is wonderful Gimli, you've been wanting your head to grow for some time now."

"How did you know, " Gimli gave Legolas a suspicious look then punctuated his suspicion with, "elf?!"

"How could I not know about it Gimli? You complain about the size of your head all the time."

"Oh yes, that's true. Well you know, my father had a much larger head than I, most dwarves do. Large heads run in my family.but mine is oddly puny. I don't understand it either. All I know is that this is the smallest size helmet our blacksmith made, and I'm proud to say I think I've finally outgrown it!"

Calen stepped into the clearing and cleared her throat, holding Llama. She gave Legolas and Gimli a 'well I'm back' look, then sat down to have some of the stew.

The silence around the fire was deafening. Until Gimli finally broke it with a simple question.

"So Calen isn't wearing underwear eh?"


	7. Burn Baby Burn

Ah the smell of burning lumber. It was a pity that in order for a fire to burn trees had to die, reducing the harmony and life of the forest, but what the hey, Legolas was warm, happy and snuggled up in his blankets by the fire. The light of the morning had barely come over the trees, but it was bright enough to wake the peacefully sleeping elf and make him squint in the fresh sunlight.

Sunlight…or a flaming tree?

And by flaming we mean, on fire. Not…y'know. Gay.

"Gimli calm down. Perhaps he won't notice."

"Won't notice a tree a blaze?! He is an elf Calen, not a troll. He has enhanced senses."

"Well I wouldn't say enhanced…"

"Legolas is going to kill me. Goodbye Calen."

"Stop being so dramatic. I shall handle this. Go sit in the corner or something, I shall handle this."

"You'll handle this?"

"Yes, Gimli, I shall."

"You said go sit in the corner. We are in a forest, how do I go about sitting in the corner?"

"Gimli!"

"Right. Over there. Corner."

This obviously was not a good situation. Legolas was unaware of what Gimli had done that he was so certain Legolas would kill him for, but apparently it was quite traumatic. At least the fire was going good.

Legolas opened his eyes. He couldn't seem to find anything wrong with the setting. Gimli was sitting across from where he was lying, staring at him. Gimli's face alone made Legolas worry about what was going on. He looked like he'd lost one of his stone boots.

Behind Gimli was Calen, she was looking directly at Legolas as well, grinning knowingly and pointing over Legolas to something behind him. Eyes darting back to Gimli, who had a suspiciously guilty look about him.

Legolas turned around, a frown crossing his face as he looked to what Calen was pointing at. Directly behind him there was an enormous tree. On fire. Very much on fire. Jumping to his feet, Legolas gawked and pointed.

His eyes were huge.

Spinning around, Legolas looked pleadingly at Calen and Gimli, "Do something! Do something! Put it out!!"

Calen looked like she was about to start laughing, she had stopped pointing at the blazing tree and was now pointing at Gimli accusingly. She coughed, "Ahem ahem, Gimli, cough cough…"

"Are you well?" Gimli asked Calen, turning around to look at her. Calen rolled her eyes, wandering off into the forest and Gimli frowned, looking back at Legolas and jumping at the expression on the elf's face. "I am so sorry, Legolas."

"GIMLI! What in Eru's name did you DO!?"

"Set the tree on fire. I was cooking see, and it kind of….well it….there were flames all around…and I was frightened…so I ran off for a while…and when I came back it was worse…so I awoke Calen and she laughed. And so…then you woke up and now…you are asking me what I did. And I just told you."

Legolas gaped at Gimli, looking as if he wasn't quite sure what was going on. "CALEN!?"

"Eh?" Coming back into the conversation, Calen walked back into the clearing. She had an innocent look on her face as if to say 'I wasn't laughing over there behind that tree.'

"You should have been watching him!"

"I am not my brother's keeper."

Legolas ignored her and kept yelling. Which is odd, because Legolas hardly ever yells, and he has yelled a lot on this little adventure. "You know good and well that Gimli's like a four year old."

"Am not!" Gimli grunted, slamming his arms across his chest and pouting just like a four year old.

"Why am I getting blamed for this?!" Calen shouted, still being ignored.

Legolas was livid. He glanced at Calen but ignored her and started circling Gimli. "You set the TREE on FIRE! The whole forest could burn down because of YOU!"

Looking every bit the four year old, Gimli was about to cry as he stood there pouting.

"Suddenly I'm supposed to be in charge of what the dwarf does?! If that were the case then I would have stopped him from picking his nose for half an hour strait last night!!!"

"DID NOT! I HATE YOU!"

"Father is going to kill me! He sends me into the forest to do one thing, and I foolishly take YOU with me and burn up Mirkwood!"

"Don't you mean burn down Mirkwood?"

"Calen!"

"She's right you know."

Calen threw her hands up in the air, stomping off and glaring at the tree. Then she noticed that the tree had started to move. Frowning, she moved a bit closer, the tree's branches were swaying, and it was obvious that it wasn't the wind. There was no wind.

"Legolas…"

"AND AS FOR YOU! I'm taking you home! Pack your things!"

"YEAH! You're a pain in the arse. My arse. The TREES arse." Gimli put in, trying to get on Legolas' good side again. He gestured wildly to the tree, then noticed that it was…

"SWEET JESUS!!!!!!!!!"

The Ent, had just realized that he was ablaze.

Gimli and Legolas' eyes widened, their jaws dropped. Suddenly there was a flaming Ent running around the clearing. This was bad.

And Calen fell to the ground laughing.

"WHAT IN THE BLAZES!? I'm ABLAZE!" The Ent was running around like a chicken with it's head cut of…or rather a walking tree on fire.

Legolas had a helpless look on his face and Gimli was about to cry. What are you supposed to do in a situation like this one?

After realizing that running around in circles was getting him nowhere, the Ent ran over to Gimli and Legolas and stopped in front of them, speaking as calmly as he possibly could. On fire. "Could you please direct me to the nearest river? I seem to be on FIRE! WAHHHH!!"

The Ent's calmness seemed to run out and he started running around again. Gimli was trying to point him to the nearest river, but his sense of direction was quite off and he just ended up aimlessly waving his finger around. The more trustworthy navigator (Legolas, in case you're confused) was pointing east. Not like that really matters.

Legolas' mouth opened and closed a few times, then he managed to actually speak very softly, "I am so very sorry. Apologize, Gimli."

"APOLOGIZE!? FOR BEING ON FIRE?! SWEET JESUS!" The Ent screeched, waving a threatening flaming hand over Legolas and Gimli's heads. Then he bolted off in the direction opposite of the river.

"No, not you..the..Gimli.." Legolas offered pathetically. He sighed and glared at Gimli.

"I can get you some steel boots if you'd like! I mean, stone. They're stone boots really." Gimli yelled after the Ent. As if stone boots would compensate for setting the Ent on fire.

Gimli stared off after the Ent. Legolas stared at Gimli disbelievingly. Calen got up and finally stopped laughing.

"Limestone boots, actually. Made of…limestone." Gimli informed the rest of them, after looking back to see the two elves staring at him.

"Limestone crumbles, you git." Calen snorted, rolling her eyes.

"Well…n-not if you put limes in it. Lime juice really. You mix it and it doesn't crumble. I've seen it done. I've done it myself really. The miners do it. And…I'm a miner. It's a dwarf thing, miners. But not like, minors, because…those are young people. I'm 160. My beard shows my age and growth. It's very impressive, really. Has a hint of red in it, see? Come closer, in the sunlight it is very obvious." Gimli beckoned Legolas closer to him, lifting his beard in his hand and holding it up to the sunlight.

Legolas was not in the mood for red highlights in dwarf beards. He glared.

"Never mind…you look like you are going to…kill me. Anyway, about the miners. I'm a miner. To tell you the truth, I'm a very good miner. Mining is my game. Gimli is my name."

Legolas let out a strange high pitched noise. Close to tears, he put his hands out to Calen shaking his head disbelievingly, he turned from Gimli to Calen a few times, breathing hard as if he was having trouble keeping calm. He turned on his heels and stalked off into the woods.

Gimli frowned, watching Legolas as he disappeared into the forest. Good thing he went the opposite direction of that Ent, Gimli thought. He glanced over to Calen, who had moved over to gather her cousin's blankets and stuff them in his bag.

"This is all because I'm an elf, in a dwarf's world!" Gimli grunted angrily, kicking up some dirt as he stomped around pointlessly.

"Gimli, you're a dwarf."

"Beautiful! Throw that in my face as well!"

--

By the time Legolas got back from his calming yoga walk in the woods thing, he came up behind Gimli and Calen sitting on a log by the fire. Gimli was sobbing and Calen was patting him on the back with an understanding look on her face.

"I just can't do anything right!" Gimli bawled, rubbing his eyes and sniffling.

"Aww…yes you are incompetent, and yes you are quite horrible at most things. But you've got a great personality, Gimli."

"Well I just feel so bad and self conscious all the time…"

"Aww, you are not as fat as you look, Gimli…your tunic is awfully slimming."

"Really? It belonged to my father."

"Oh, a hand-me-down. How much do you weigh anyway? It shouldn't be too much more than I do."

"With or without the boots?"

"Well of course without- wait, why am I having this conversation?"

Legolas shook his head. It was going to be a long trip. But he knew it would be even worse if he stayed angry at Gimli the whole time. Apparently the Yoga had worked. The Prince of Mirkwood walked around his companions, standing in front of them and looking serious.

Seeing Legolas, Gimli jumped up and clapped a hand on his friend's shoulder. He had to reach up quite a ways, and he looked really stupid, but it did manage to work.

"You da man, Legolas."

Legolas smiled, putting his hand on Gimli's shoulder, "No, Gimli, you da man."

"No no, I insist, you da man."

Gimli grinned, letting go of Legolas' shoulder and looking pleased with himself. Legolas looked off into the forest, "True dat, true dat. I am da man. After all, you da one who set the tree on fire."

Authors' Note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It was very refreshing to come back and do another wacky episode! HAHA! Just kidding. Anyway, this is the chapter where Legolas and Gimli become black, the chapter where Gimli never shuts up, the chapter where Calen laughs throughout most of it, the chapter where we learn that Legolas does yoga, and the chapter where Gimli kept accidentally sounding like Bobcat Goldthwait. By the way, we have absolutely nothing against gays. I hope nobody got that from our usage of the word 'flaming' throughout this chapter. We're actually gay supporters. Go us! I know you all enjoyed the mental image of Legolas doing Yoga. You dirty little…people. And if you would like to come up with a name for the flaming Ent, who will make another appearance, please E-mail Or leave us a really nice review. OR BOTH! Thanks for your support! –Howard & Porta, AKA: Emilee & Anna


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